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San Francisco Giants manager Gabe Kapler told reporters on Friday that he won’t come out of the dugout for the national anthem before games until he “feel(s) better” about the “direction of our country.”

This decision comes in the wake of a self-published introspective blog on his website in which he expressed shame that he did not kneel for the national anthem in the wake of Tuesday’s mass shooting at an elementary school in Uvalde, Texas.

In the post, he called out some of the circumstances that led to the shooting, including the shooter’s ability to purchase assault rifles and ammunition for his crime, the inaction of police officers as parents pleaded with them to do something, and the callous response from some politicians.

But Kapler then looked at himself on Wednesday during the national anthem and called himself a “coward” for not kneeling during the anthem because his dad taught him when he was younger to not stand for the anthem if he believed the anthem wasn’t “representing us well right now.”

“I wish I hadn’t let my discomfort compromise my integrity,” Kapler wrote. “I wish that I could have demonstrated what I learned from my dad, that when you’re dissatisfied with your country, you let it be known through protest. The home of the brave should encourage this.”

The Giants held a moment of silence prior to Wednesday’s game against the New York Mets at Oracle Park for the victims of the shooting. The Golden State Warriors were another Bay Area organization that held a moment of silence for the victims, but they also explicitly advocated for “sensible gun laws.”

You can read Kapler’s full blog post here.

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